tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4543098270794087276.post4964871635316633111..comments2023-09-27T03:56:54.678-05:00Comments on As We Were Saying....: GFW Writers Round Robin Day 5Ruby Johnsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01030839859107760855noreply@blogger.comBlogger6125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4543098270794087276.post-87003006319097387712012-02-21T19:49:55.864-06:002012-02-21T19:49:55.864-06:00Good job, Jan. I know how hard you worked on this....Good job, Jan. I know how hard you worked on this. Brad now sounds like a man with a few screws loose!<br />RubyRuby Johnsonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01030839859107760855noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4543098270794087276.post-271860183564002892012-02-21T15:21:56.800-06:002012-02-21T15:21:56.800-06:00I agree with everyone else about Brad, I love how ...I agree with everyone else about Brad, I love how you brought him into the story more clearly. Awesome job Jan :)J. A. Bennetthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12954221694368448882noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4543098270794087276.post-30670033989881934352012-02-21T12:58:06.460-06:002012-02-21T12:58:06.460-06:00I'm going to play editor here. I liked this bu...I'm going to play editor here. I liked this but..<br />1. you have dialogue tags you don't need. WHEN WE ARE IN THE HEAD OF THE CHARACTGER YOU DON'T NEED A TAG. [Do I smell smoke, she wondered. Was Brad here?],[Lacy and I are going to lunch,she lied.]THE READER KNOWS SHE IS LYING]<br />Talking aloud and thinking in the next sentence jars the reader.<br />Watch for inconsistencies. In one sentence the character states she going out for lunch, then in a sentence several paragraphs later, she says she's not hungry.<br /><br />While we want to see things through the character's eyes don't add description because you think you need to. [birds chasing each other outside the window]<br />I like the idea of a manipulative man who is a little mentally unstable. Good job adding subtle conflict.Thornenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4543098270794087276.post-71699513847348967732012-02-21T07:34:32.867-06:002012-02-21T07:34:32.867-06:00Wow. What a turn it took. Good job, can't wait...Wow. What a turn it took. Good job, can't wait to see where it goes next.C. A. Szarekhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09488970622986049936noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4543098270794087276.post-65595409631790490562012-02-21T07:04:48.984-06:002012-02-21T07:04:48.984-06:00Ditto. Nice job of getting Brad into the mix and g...Ditto. Nice job of getting Brad into the mix and goosing Lacey's role.<br /><br />Speaking of Brad: You got a lot of character in without many words.Georgehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00907663730815961099noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4543098270794087276.post-33940095296838707732012-02-21T06:52:16.244-06:002012-02-21T06:52:16.244-06:00I'm glad you brought the clinging, obsessive, ...I'm glad you brought the clinging, obsessive, hypo-chondriac boyfriend Brad into the story, Jan. Was wondering when his weenie ass would enter the fray. That's how I saw him anyway. "Wet eyed and five minutes later" and "letting her fingers linger over the lock", great imagery. You closed up some open holes, thanks and excellent writing.Jeff Bacotnoreply@blogger.com